By: Marc SpitzWe’re sorry, pop stars. We never meant to hurt you. We never meantto make you cry. But tonight, we’re cleaning out our gossip…andmaking room for 2003. The following made us laugh, cringe, and turnto Linda Perry for guidance this year. In October 2001,guitarist Wes Borland, after worrying publicly that he’dbecome a “sellout,” announced that he was leaving LimpBizkit. He is currently auditioning singers for his new band,Eat the Day. Bizkit returned to the studio with producerRick Rubin. After failing to replace Borland, FredDurst is now playing guitar himself and promises a moresensitive approach to misogynist frat-rap metal…. We were proudto be one of the first to write about would-be rock saviorAndrew W.K. in March. We can now boast that we were also thefirst to be proven absolutely daft, as we predicted W.K. wouldexplode like a blood vessel smashed with a brick. While he didn’tset the charts aflame, W.K. did gain some perspective onlife. We think. He tells us, “The highest high of 2002 was, is, andalways will be Mount Everest after a catapult down deep.
We’re sorry, pop stars. We never meant to hurt you. We never meant to make you cry. But tonight, we’re cleaning out ourgossip…and making room for 2003. The following made us laugh, cringe, and turn to Linda Perry for guidance this year. In October 2001,guitarist Wes Borland, after worrying publicly that he’d become a “sellout,” announced that he was leaving Limp Bizkit. He is currentlyauditioning singers for his new band, Eat the Day. Bizkit returned to the studio with producer Rick Rubin. After failing to replaceBorland, Fred Durst is now playing guitar himself and promises a more sensitive approach to misogynist frat-rap metal…. We were proudto be one of the first to write about would-be rock savior Andrew W.K. in March. We can now boast that we were also the first to beproven absolutely daft, as we predicted W.K. would explode like a blood vessel smashed with a brick. While he didn’t set the chartsaflame, W.K. did gain some perspective on life. We think. He tells us, “The highest high of 2002 was, is, and always will be Mount Everestafter a catapult down deep.
The lowest low was the Mariana Tree Trunk Trench Water Mary Anabelle Top Gorge. On a pillow blanket.” Word?…Prodigycourted controversy with their “roofies”-touting come- back single “Baby’s Got a Temper” in July. Everyone yawned…. A defiantlywinded Guns ‘N Roses performed at the MTV Video Music Awards in August, prompting an entire nation to debate what was more alarming:Axl‘s apparently Botox-engorged cheeks and hair extensions or a kabuki-masked Slash wearing a chicken bucket on his head (actually,it was current guitarist Buckethead)…. In September, Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale finally tied the knot in London, leaving theformer with nothing to write about (so let’s just keep on dancing)…. Soul-lovin’ white chick Kelly Clarkson won the first AmericanIdol competition, then, like any good diva, promptly forgot the puppet masters who got her there. “I think this is the year of beingwho you are,” she told us. “You’ve seen that with Britney, Pink, Christina, and Avril. It’s about saying, ‘I don’t have to bemanufactured by anyone anymore.'”… In November, Missy “Misdemeanor” Elliott returned with another brilliant single, “Work It,”and a new body, after losing about 40 pounds. Christina Aguilera returned with a weak single (“Dirrty”) and a naked, grinding body,after losing what was left of her shame…. Anyway, Linda is yelling at us to get back to the studio (“What’s up” with that?) andstart working on Backstage Pass, February ’03, which will totally remake/remodel our image. Look out for the Neptunes remix, y’all.
