Jukebox Jury: Travis McCoy, Paul F. Tompkins Rate 2008's Hits

Travis McCoy and Paul F. Tompkins / Photo by Brian Finke

GUNS N' ROSES, "CHINESE DEMOCRACY"
The long-awaited first single from the longer-awaited new album sees a multi- tracked Axl Rose spurring on a small army of guitars.

McCOY: I was at the Tommy Hilfiger show a couple years ago where Tommy kicked Axl's ass.
TOMPKINS: I heard about that. You were there?
McCOY: I saw it. I look over and Tommy and Axl are going at it. Dude has to live with himself after getting his ass beat by Tommy Hilfiger.
TOMPKINS: At least it wasn't Karl Lagerfeld. By the way, when does the song start?
SPIN: There's about a minute of ambient noise at the beginning.
TOMPKINS: We've been waiting 16 years for silence?
McCOY: This better kick ass soon.
TOMPKINS: What was the 16 years for? Was he picking out bandannas? It definitely wasn't for this. This reminds me of the season of The Sopranos when Adriana wanted to be a manager, and she worked with this awful metal band from New Jersey. They sounded like this.
McCOY: The woman who played Tony's wife on that show is hot. She's a cougar.
TOMPKINS: She is. But I'm talking about a different actress.
McCOY: Tony's daughter? She was hot, too.
TOMPKINS: The fact that we're talking about The Sopranos doesn't say much for the song.
McCOY: I can't fuck with this shit. I just see Axl's shitty cornrows and that half-plastic face. The Darkness are better than this.
TOMPKINS: Wait! Is that Buckethead playing?
McCOY: Buckethead is awesome. I'll give 'em that.

THE KILLERS, "HUMAN"
Brandon Flowers and crew return to the synth-rock safety of Hot Fuss.

McCOY: "Are we human or are we dancer?" Is that a quote from something? Is it from a book? I'm trying to figure out what the fuck it means.
TOMPKINS: Those two things aren't necessarily exclusive. You could be a dancing human.
McCOY: Maybe we're tiny human dancers.
TOMPKINS: By the end of the song do we find out whether we're humans or dancers?
SPIN: It's left ambiguous.
TOMPKINS: I hate those kinds of endings!
McCOY: This reminds me more of their first record. They had a cool Depeche Mode thing going on when they first came out, with the eyeliner and shit.
TOMPKINS: I like it when a fella throws on some eyeliner.
McCOY: It's even better if the eyeliner runs. That looks fantastic.
TOMPKINS: If Alice Cooper taught us anything, it's that.
McCOY: The band has the wrong name, though. The Killers! I want something more menacing. This is too soft. They should be called the Hurters.

METALLICA, "THE DAY THAT NEVER COMES"
A barrage of double-kick drumming, heroic soloing, and Möbius strip guitar riffs helps metal gods' angst sound, well, angstier than it has in years.

TOMPKINS: Metallica are ridiculous. When I saw Some Kind of Monster, I went in not being a fan and I came out -- still not being a fan. But at least I understood why I don't like them.
McCOY: This song is definitely butt rock at its finest. After, like, ...And Justice for All, Metallica became the masters of butt rock.
SPIN: What's butt rock?
McCOY: Creed. Nickelback. If you wanna go back to the roots, you've got Seven Mary Three.
TOMPKINS: You know what this sounds like? A Metallica song.
McCOY: There's a definite Metallica formula.
TOMPKINS: I almost feel guilty about not liking this because I know its means something to somebody. But to me it just sounds hilarious. I don't know what Metallica's magical formula is, but I know it always results in something that sounds like this.

Click to page 3 for takes on Britney, Death Cab, and the Jonas Brothers!