Joaquin Phoenix / Ryan Adams / Chris BrownGiven all the new beneficiaries of President Obama's economic stimulus package -- first-time home-buyers, small business owners, unemployed bloggers -- the American rock music industry seems to have been cruelly overlooked. For just a fraction of that $787 billion, many singers and rappers at risk could be pulled from the brink of ruin. Here are some targets for the Obama/SPIN.com stimulus spending plan:
MAKEOVER BY CELEB-STYLIST SALLY HERSHBERGER
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Beneficiary: Kanye West
Cost to taxpayers: $700
Why dude thought a Larry Blackmon-style mullet-fade was a good idea is beyond me. I'm sure the reason is even beyond LeVare Burton, who sported a similar 'do when he was cruising on the Starfleet wearing his electromagnetic spectrum visor on Star Trek: The Next Generation. To prevent a nation of Dolce-clad hipsters from shaving off their sideburns, we need to get Kanye in the barber's chair. Stat.
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LEGAL FEES FOR DIVORCE FROM IMPENDING BRIDE MANDY MOORE
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Beneficiary: Ryan Adams
Cost to taxpayers: $50,000
I wish them the best. Ryan's Heartbreaker is one of my all-time favorite albums, and Mandy seems like the coolest and most down-to-earth genetically-engineered starlet in Hollywood. But I just finished reading Ryan's new book, Infinity Blues (choice poems include "Wow, I'm Insane" and "Million-Year Fuck-Face Convention") and... I give them a year.
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ANGER MANAGEMENT CLASSES
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Beneficiary: Chris Brown
Cost to taxpayers: $10,000
Not to make light, but after Chris's lackluster -- and obviously forced -- public apology for laying hands on Rihanna, I have a feeling the only way he'll deal with his anger issues is if the government foots the bill.
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VOICE LESSONS
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Beneficiary: T-Pain
Cost to taxpayers: $15,000
T-Pain's tremulous robo-tenor has plagued airwaves long enough. We must stop him from encouraging tone-deaf musicians to take up the mic! We can't allow any more talented singers (Bon Iver! Why?) to suck the soul from their voices by flirting with AutoTune! The only way to save our ears is for T-Pain to learn to sing. If a 10-year-old dog can win Westminster, anything is possible.
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FUNDING FOR RAP CAREER
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Beneficiary: Joaquin Phoenix
Cost to taxpayers: $500,000
Question of the week: hoax, crack-up, or bonafide rap bid? All I know is I want to see more -- more interviews like his gum-smacking tirade on Letterman, more YouTube videos of him stumbling off a Vegas stage after 90 seconds of unintelligible, er, flow. More and double-more facial hair. It's America's duty to help him realize his dream -- or extend his hallucination.
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MUSIC FESTIVAL RESUSCITATION
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Beneficiaries: Bands, concertgoers
Cost to taxpayers: $2 million
Langerado pulled the plug on its annual concert this year, disappointing everyone in South Florida who was looking forward to seeing Snoop Dogg share a stage with Death Cab for Cutie. Ozzy, too, cancelled his fest -- though he claims it was so he could focus on his new album, which sounds dubious. Since no one buys albums anymore, bands depend on tours and festivals like this to pay the bills. So unless Obama wants more stringy-haired, tight-jeaned Converse rockers fighting for Starbucks barista gigs, I suggest we throw these festivals a bone.
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GUITAR LESSONS FROM JOHN MAYER
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Beneficiary: Lil Wayne
Cost to taxpayers: $75,000
Lil Wayne recently took up the electric guitar. "Now at my shows, I get to play like John Mayer," he told SPIN in November. No, he does not. He gets to play like a junior-high shop teacher. Madonna could strum a Fender with more panache. But perhaps high-priced private sessions with Mayer (who already has the hip-hop stamp of approval from Jay-Z and Kanye) might make Lil Wayne into a halfway passable guitar hero.
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HUSH MONEY/MEDICAL BILLS
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Beneficiary: Blink-182
Cost to taxpayers: $3 million
The last thing Tom DeLonge, Travis Barker, and Mark Hoppus want to do is get back together. They just made that dour comeback announcement at the Grammys because Travis has medical bills to pay, Tom's Angels & Airwaves didn't end up making "the best fucking album anybody has heard in 20 years" like he promised, and Mark… Well, I have no idea what he's up to. He's probably just strapped for cash. So, let's save them the trouble of reforming for one subpar album ('cause how can you improve on an album title like Take Off Your Pants and Jacket?) by just giving them a million bucks each. Word to the wise: Don't invest it.
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Editor's note: The blink-182 entry above stirred quite a response. Click here to read Ellen Carpenter's follow-up.
ellen carpenter, wow You need to quit drinking and blogging. Do you really think blink needs a bailout?? they are still spending "enema of the state" money!! (7 + million copies sold!!) And lets see 20+ million total record sales is it? Clothing companies. Multiple gigs in producing, web sites, side projects and a burrito restaurant if I remember correct. All the while your sitting at some desk wishing you were half as ambitious or talented as anyone associated with this band. WOW spin needs to start d r u g screening better.
and another thing.blink 182 worked HELLA hard to get where they are now. they didnt even get into mainstream until their junior album.. DUHHH:P
Perhaps Spin magazine could use some of that money since you have just single handedly convinced me, via your stupidity, to stop buying it. Blink 182 has influenced music more than any other band in probably the last 20 years. And if you had been paying attention to music at all ( which I assume should be a large part of your job) you would know that they are not just reuniting to record an album and make some cash, they have gotten back together to continue being a band. I for one would be willing to give you a large portion of the bailout money if it would cease any further horribly failed attempts to write clever music stories by you.
I used to read SPIN but I think it fell off bad and is pretty much a garbage magazine now that no longer has any clout (if it ever did).
This person who wrote this about Blink clearly is a nobody and is just trying to get a little limelight by saying something stupid about a band that is one of the most successful and loved bands of our generation. She is trying to be scene just like all pathetic rock journalists are trying to be scene and famous in an industry they would have most certainly failed in. She probably need a little drama as no one reads her stuff and wants to show people she is still edgy and not an old out of touch writer for a rock magazine that has been in the toilet for a long time.
I dont see me buying SPIN again as long as there are weak and bitter people like this chick who has nothing better to do than slam a great band who define a generation and alienate there fans (many of whom are SPIN readers), when all they are looking to do is continue making music and having a good times. Don't bite the hand that feeds you nark.
Yeah Vito. SPin is junk anyway why would anyone buy a magazine with such a loser on its staff?
Spin needs to loser her.
This is by-far the crappiest article ive read by far.
I mean, seriously dude, how can you call yourself a writer?
Dont Mess with Blink, you Jonas brother lover
(probably though they would read this, coz they are blink fans like us)
But anyways, as far as this article goes,
why dont you ask 1000000 dollars from Obama and actually get a life
no one cares about what you think anyways
SPIN probably just had an economic crisis so they had to get
the most crappy butt writer ever.
Man i sure do bet you dont want to look back on this article
haha, just being honest. ^_^
Ellen, obviously this blog was written to draw attention and feedback as it has...mission accomplished on that note. As far as what you wrote, well that just walks the fine line between fiction and garbage. On the Blink 182 section those guys have generated enough profit through the years that they could just sit on their fortunes. You, not Blink should be worried more about the current state of the country because crappy blogging like this won't keep you around writing while SPIN decides to make some penny pinching cuts. Atleast use the services of spell checker to try and dust up your crap that you wrote.
You can't tell me you watched those dudes at the Grammys and can say they looked like they had anything other than $$$ keeping them within 10 yards of each other. Tom looked like he would have rather been ANYWHERE else.
I agree with all the people here,and that people know more things about music & musicians than you Elle...So do you believe they re really friendly to you? and Peter Gaston sometimes offensive language is the only way to say simple words with a big meaning..
Mark Hoppus is a succesful producer, but dont worry its not like 'journalists' are expected to do research.
inappropriate language?? what's the worst thing that's been said? crappy butt writer?? hahaha
Ellen sounds like you are jealous because you don't make enough money. Well maybe if you did something that someone else valued and was willing to pay money for you could be rich like every one you just tried to bash on. sorry to break it to you but blink 182s original drummer has made more money than you could ever hope to. blink could put out a blank cd with their name on it and some cool pictures and clearly state that there are no songs on that cd and it would still sell a million.
if it is the music you don't like then why don't you go put on some Mozart or what ever you listen to because apparently you don't like anything made in the past 20 years... maybe if your going to be a music critic you should have some basic knowledge of the business and the art.
oh yeah and by the way if you didn't know mark has been producing hit records. with his trusty sidekick mr. holmes.
haha this is very funny except for the part about blink 182. taking a dig at travis's near death experience... not so funny. toooooo soon. everything else very nice. all the people saying this author is spewing opinons... what is a magazine without opinions??? like seriously.
I like!
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