Editors Blog
Elliott Smith / Photo by Tibor Bozi
"Why I Can't Listen to Elliott Smith's Music"
Six years after the tortured singer-songwriter's suicide, SPIN contributor Ellen Carpenter talks about the day the music died.
By Ellen Carpenter 10.21.09 12:13 PM
Elliott Smith / Photo by Tibor Bozi
Today marks the sixth anniversary of Elliott Smith’s death.
For me, it marks the fifth anniversary of not listening to his music. This isn’t because I don’t like it. I actually share the view that Smith was one of the best two or three singer-songwriters of his generation.
When I was in college I’d have XO and Figure 8 on repeat-play, sometimes hearing them three or four times a night. My roommate and I would waltz around the room, singing along to every song, completely unaware of the sentiments spilling from our mouths. We knew his lyrics were “deep,” but we heard what we wanted to hear. To me, the songs were dark but beautiful, haunting yet comforting, stark and lush at the same time.
Then I learned. Way too much.
In October of 2004, a year after his death, Spin ran a feature on the untold story behind Smith’s death. Though it was assumed he committed suicide by stabbing himself in the chest, the coroner's report noted that “several aspects of the circumstances… are atypical of suicide and raise the possibility of homicide.”
More on SPIN.com:
>> Elliott Smith Remembered, 5 Years Later
>> 'Elliott Smith' Compiles Photos, Unreleased Live Material
>> Review: From a Basement on the Hill (Anti-)
>> Review: XO (Dreamworks)
Some people believed his girlfriend Jennifer Chiba, who was with him at the time of his death and who pulled the knife from his body before calling 911, murdered him. Most others thought this was ridiculous. While our story by Liam Gowing touched on the rumors, it made a case for suicide. And since I was the research editor of the magazine at the time, it was my job to make sure that case was solid. I had fact-checked hundreds of articles for the magazine, but nothing like this.
For almost a month, I poured over transcripts of interviews with Smith’s friends and loved ones; I read books and newspaper articles; I tried to interpret lyrics of songs like “Suicide Machine” and “Abused,” which would never be released; I spoke with former band mates, medical professionals, music executives, girlfriends -- even Jennifer Chiba, who was so willing to talk that I found it unnerving. Some people hung up on me. Others choked up, sharing particularly troubling memories. People told me things they shouldn’t have, things I couldn’t repeat. I cried a lot that month. Sometimes it was because of stress, but mostly I was crying for Elliott Smith.
In May of 2002 I saw Smith play a private show for Northwestern University students at a club in Chicago. His set lasted 50 minutes, but he didn’t get through a single song. He seemed drunk, high, completely out of it. He kept saying that his left hand hurt -- that his fingers had gone numb -- and that’s why he couldn’t play. “It's like having stuff on your hand and you can't get it off,” he told the crowd, shaking his wrist, trying to remove the imaginary goo.
Elliott Smith
My friends and I thought this was hilarious. We repeated this line for weeks, mocking his slurred, drawn-out speech. But we didn’t know what it meant. We didn’t know that at the time he was addicted to heroin and crack, smoking up to $1,500 worth a day. We didn’t know that he had actually tried to OD but failed, on more than occasion. We didn’t know that he believed he was sexually abused by his stepfather as a child. We didn’t know that three months later, he’d check himself into rehab, get clean, and finally face the pain he’d spent years trying to numb. We didn’t know any of this. We just figured he had smoked a lot of pot backstage.
They say you should never meet your idols. Nor should you get too intimate with their demons. Today, I can’t separate the songs from the story. Each one is a reminder of how cruel life can be -- allowing someone like him, someone with that much talent and heart, to suffer through so much pain for so long. I know I should celebrate his music, be grateful for his life and gifts, and that he shared them with the world, but right now I can’t. Maybe one day I’ll feel different. I hope so. I miss him.
"I spoke with former band mates, medical professionals, music executives, girlfriends -- even Jennifer Chiba, who was so willing to talk that I found it unnerving. Some people hung up on me. Others choked up, sharing particularly troubling memories. People told me things they shouldn’t have, things I couldn’t repeat."
Did you talk to the person who did the autopsy? I did.
Did you talk to the detective who is in charge of the case? I did.
This case is still open, and it is not a cold case.
Don't believe everything you read, Elliott had many problems, no doubt about it, but there are so many inconsistencies in this case it is hard to believe he killed himself. And I would not believe a word of what Chiba said, she lied so many times, it is insane. To someone, she even said she thought Elliott was joking with a fake knife... And Liam Gowing is good friends with her, so he is not really objective.
By the way the "tremendous knife wounds on Elliott's left arm" (supposedly self-inflicted in September 2003) described in the spin article do not appear at all in the autopsy report. One month is not enough to heal "tremendous wounds".... so is it another lie?
to whoever wrote this article
first of all you made a typo - "We didn’t know that he had actually tried to OD but failed, on more than occasion."
should be "on more than one occasion."
second of all. i think for you to presume that elliott smith committed suicide is a bit of bad reporting, or has this case been solved?
thirdly, his hand may very well have been numb from playing guitar to entertain you, while you mocked him.
I would like to know where you dug up these supposed facts about spending 1500 dollars on drugs a day. I find that extremely difficult to believe.
its a shame you can't listen to him anymore. i guess you don't know what you're missing.
i think you mean 'pored'
Ms. Carpenter, I feel exactly the same way you do -- thank you for writing this. I hope one day you decide to share exactly what Ms. Chiba told you -- particularly about the circumstances of his death -- as well as what "[o]thers" told you when they "choked up, sharing particularly troubling memories." You said "[p]eople told me things they shouldn’t have, things I couldn’t repeat," but me and many others like me are searching for closure. I hope one day you'll help us who still struggle with this loss every day by sharing whatever you can.
I agree. His music makes me incredibly sad now. As if his songs didn't already have the ability to tug at your heart strings.. Now, with his passing, the songs act as big punch to my stomach.
i could've sworn this same article was posted last year, and this one just has the years updated...
Regardless, I thoroughly enjoyed reading it again and again as Elliott is my favorite, and I do hope you can enjoy his music once again.
I think Squeeze said, " Songs remind me of kisses, albums remind me of plans.' Mr. Smith's songs do take me to different places in my life. Thinking back. I do believe we are products of people we know and experiences. I wouldnt be who I am today without Mr. Smith.
I feel the same way about Nirvana, and what's that now, 15+ years? It's a kind of lingering disbelief, and I'm sure it has something to do with how one works towards acceptance; but perhaps acceptance in this case means not wanting to be reminded of the kind of complicated sadness we feel when someone commits such a drastic act of denial and in doing so leaves behind what will forever will remain an unfinished body of work. I don't know, it's just sad is what I'm trying to say. . . .
nice article, but isnt it the same one that was up last year?
silence leads to forgetting. listening reminds us that even pain can be made into something beautiful.
listen
Before I read this post, I was thinking, 'OK, what whiny reason does this writer have to not listen to Smith's music since his death?' My apologies for even thinking this. What you laid out is one dark process to go through. To go from whistfully enjoying his music in the college days to spending a month having to analyze the darkest corners of his music for work sounds like an immense downer. Who can blame you for it? I once spent a few weeks writing a seminar paper on rationailizing Ian Curtis' suicide for a grad school class, and I hadn't realized how depressing, though obvious the task would become, so my sympathies, indeed.
SAY YES
Elliott holds a special place in my heart. It seems like the pain a lot of us feel today resonates with you any time you hear Elliott's music. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us!
-Check out my thoughts on Elliott at AudioADD.net-
heartbreaking. beautiful post, ellen.
Well put. They say you can't ever go back, but on certain anniversaries, it's refreshing to be reminded--to honor someone in remembering them--especially in a beautiful and eloquent essay like this one.
Kafka wrote, "the meaning of life is that it stops." If only Smith's hadn't stopped so soon.
xk
that is so sad. I hope one day you can listen to Elliott again
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